Dr. Ruth Westheimer Talks About The Joys Of Having Good Sex After 50
MODERATOR: Dr. Ruth, why do people assume that as we age, the desire for sex fades?
RUTH: It's very important to bury the idea that older people don't have sex. They need to be touched, they need to be caressed, and they must keep that interest in sex alive even if the actual orgasmic response is less intense. We know that after menopause a woman should use lubricant so there's no pain in the vagina during intercourse. And, after a certain age, there is no psychogenic erection for a man (an erection he has when he just thinks about sex), that he needs physical stimulation in order to get and maintain the erection. A couple can be sexually active until late in life. They should avoid engaging in sex when they're tired, or have had too much to drink. It's better in the mornings or early afternoon when testosterone level is highest and when they're not tired.
MODERATOR: What role does our changing physical health play in sex after 50?
RUTH: The important thing is the psychological aspect. Things like not thinking that maybe the woman doesn't have the figure she used to, or maybe the man now has a little bit of a pouch. It does not matter. What matters is the attitude of rejoicing that you have a partner! Make the best of it!
MEMBER QUESTION: Dr Ruth, I no longer have a desire for sex; what can I do to help this? I had a hysterectomy eight years ago and no longer have multiple vaginal orgasms. I am not on any hormones. I also have had type 1 diabetes for the last 47 years.
RUTH: First, see a gynecologist, because I am not a medical doctor. Also, remember that there are lubricants available over the counter which do not contain any estrogen or any hormone. The important thing is to rejoice that you have a partner! Maybe give your partner an orgasm with your hand or go down on him, if that's part of your way of having sex, and let your partner caress you. Maybe a vibrator would also help you. Don't be ashamed of using a vibrator or of letting your partner use it to bring you to sexual satisfaction. It does not have to be vaginal, there is no such thing as a vaginal vs. clitoral orgasm. Even those women who have an orgasm during intercourse, the clitoris is part of it. It's important to know that.
MEMBER QUESTION: My husband seems to think that because we've gotten older, I don't want sex -- but I do! How can I get him to understand I just need to have that special closeness we have during sex? It really isn't about the orgasm; it's about the connection.
RUTH: And exactly like you asked me the question, you have to tell him: "Honey, I am so glad we are together, I am so glad we had a wonderful closeness, and I need this closeness." Make a special meal, go out today and buy a sexy nightgown, put it on before dinner, if the two of you are alone. Hey, that's a thought, that's nice. Put that sexy nightgown on and have dinner with that nightgown on and let me know if it worked.
MEMBER QUESTION: I feel like my sex drive has increased. The kids are gone. I can't get pregnant. I'm ready to play. Is this normal?
RUTH: Brrrravo! You don't need to buy my book. You just have to tell everybody you know how fortunate it is women live longer, and after menopause they don't have to worry about getting pregnant or children. Make the best of it!
MEMBER QUESTION: Hi, Dr. Ruth. My husband is 58 and I'm 52, recently married. He has no desire for sex or to please me sexually. There's never been a lot of sex, but he would at first try to please me sexually and hold me when we slept. It seems like after he proposed things just slacked off. He is a very good man -- considerate, respectful, thoughtful, but sex doesn't seem to be a priority. OK, I get that, but him not wanting to even touch me I don't get. He does take Cialis, after we went to the doctor together.
RUTH: I think you need to go to a sex therapist to find out what the story is. Maybe he thinks he is not attractive, maybe he wants you both to take a shower before going to bed. I cannot guess. You need to have a consultation with a reputable sex therapist. Don't let it slide. Because you're going to resent it and it will be a catastrophe. If he already was willing to go to the doctor for medication and the doctor said yes it's OK for him to take it, you need to take the next step to a sex therapist, not for a long session, but for a short one. There is something happening there that will not go away by itself. Until you find a therapist, look at my book, Dr. Ruth's Sex After 50, because it talks about romance, passion and excitement; it might help. It's a paperback. Go out and get it today. The most important sentence in it is kick boredom out of your bedroom.
MEMBER QUESTION: I think our sex life needs a boost. We both have sexual feelings, but are a bit bored. We've been married 30 years. How can we add some pizzazz to our sex life?
RUTH: First idea, get some sexually explicit movies. Women love the movie Emmanuel, or anything that's sexually exciting. Read the books Forbidden Flowers, or Men in Love, both are in paperback and get my book, Dr. Ruth's Sex after 50, because it addresses exactly your situation. And bravo to you for not just letting it slide, but trying to do something about it! Many couples complain about boredom and I say, on the back cover of my book, kick boredom out of your bedroom!
MEMBER QUESTION: After menopause, my libido dropped, although I am still interested and desire sex with my husband. However, I find I am unable to have an orgasm; there was no problem prior to menopause. Is there a cure for this? I have tried testosterone cream and I had some side effects and it really did not help that much.
RUTH: The fist thing: Bravo that you are recognizing the problem! Go out today (or do it by mail order) and get a vibrator. Try to rekindle that sex drive by first using the vibrator yourself, so that you know what you need, and then let your husband use it. Not directly on the clitoris, but around the area of the clitoris. And I'm glad that you recognize the problem, so don't ignore it.
MEMBER QUESTION: I am 51 and my husband is 49. We are both on a lot of medications (high blood pressure, diabetes, the heart). He is absolutely not interested in sex and suffers from ED. He tried Viagra with no sex (what was he thinking!) and got a headache! How can I help him if he won't help himself? I would still love to be sexually active -- preferably not on my own!
RUTH: No choice right now but to do it on your own. Use a vibrator, read some erotic literature and go back to the physician. Since I'm not a medical doctor I don't know if any of those medications can be changed to permit him an easier time. In the meantime -- for you not to avoid frustration -- you have to masturbate with a smile to keep that sex life alive.
MEMBER QUESTION: I have started a relationship with a man who is 51. He has no problem getting or maintaining an erection, but he has not been able to climax yet, as many times as we have tried. Any thoughts why?
RUTH: There is something called retrograde ejaculation, or an inability to have an orgasm and you have to see a sex therapist. Maybe it's easier after he obtains and maintains the erection for him to finish the orgasm by himself, maybe he knows the pressure he needs, but also there may be some psychological issues, so a sex therapist is indicated.
MEMBER QUESTION: I think it would help our sex life if I could remember how to flirt. It's been years. Remind me what to do.
RUTH: That's a wonderful, wonderful question. Go and watch some movies of the olden days, like Gone With the Wind, when flirting was in fashion. Flirting these days is an art that has been lost.
MODERATOR: What are the most important things for people after 50 to do to keep an active sex life?
RUTH: Don't ignore your sex life -- cultivate it, make sure your libido is in good shape. Don't let your sex life become boring or routine. Rejoice that the children are out of the house, that you don't have to worry about getting pregnant! Rejoice that information about good sex after 50 is available. Be happy that we in this country have the best scientifically validated data about sexual functioning that has ever been available. So let's use it!
MEMBER QUESTION: Dr. Ruth, neither my husband nor myself look attractive anymore. I still love him, but am embarrassed by how we both look and it takes its toll on our sex life.
RUTH: Cut out this idea of what you look like. There's nothing you can do about it, unless you can go to a gym. Do something interesting: Go out today and get yourself an interesting sexy negligee. Go to the opera, hear a concert. Don't sit and watch television -- stop looking at all these sexy models that they show us. Say to yourself, "How fortunate, I'm alive, I'm healthy, I have a partner, let me do something about my future life!" Volunteer some place; just don't sit home and say that you don't look the way you looked when you were 25.
MEMBER QUESTION: We are out of sync. We seem to be sexually aroused at different times. How can we get in sync so we are both looking for sex at the same time?
RUTH: Never mind the same time. When he is aroused give him an orgasm, when you are aroused, let him give you an orgasm. You are not Siamese twins; it doesn't have to be at the same time. Have a good time. Let me know if it worked.
MODERATOR: How important is it to just have fun with sex at this time of your life?
RUTH: Fabulous question. It's very, very important!